The Cynical Bachelor takes on Why Your Wedding Is Going to Suck

Editor’s Note: This post was lovingly contributed by our IT guy who spends almost as much time as we do finding odd stuff on the web to write about, and is usually the only person to Comment on our Facebook page. Many thanks, Zac!

There it is. Tucked in between my Maxim, GQ, and my fourth time renting of “Transformers” from Netflix (I’m entirely too cheap to buy it).

There it is. The perfectly square, crisp white envelope, with the fancy, obnoxious cursive hand writing.

There it is. In the upper left-hand corner of said envelope, the couple’s name.

There it is. That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling, knowing, that inside this envelope are those four words no single man wants to hear. I open the envelope.

There it is. You Are Cordially Invited…Bah! Cordially? Seriously? I’ve known you since we were three feet tall and you never use the word “cordially” before. Who do you think you are? As my internal rant at my friend continues, my mind wanders. Suddenly I’m in a BING commercial. “Cordial, cherry cordials, semi delicious, semi disgusting chocolate covered cherry. “Cherry, Cherry”, classic 1966 Neil Diamond Song. Diamond, “Blood Diamond”, movie starring Leonardo DiCapprio. I digress.

It’s always a Catch-22 when I get an invitation to a wedding. On one hand, I’m glad to have gotten one, just for the shear sake of not feeling left out. Everyone, no matter who you are, likes to be included. On the other hand, weddings notoriously suck! I hate them!

Now, I know you are sitting there, reading this, saying to yourself, “How can he hate weddings? Weddings are a special occasion; the joining of two people in the most sacred of unions.” Cut the crap! The only thing weddings are good for are getting Aunt Mildred liquored up on half a glass of Chardonnay and watching her bob and weave all over the dance floor while trying to remember the words to Van Halen’s “Jump.”

You see, the problem with weddings is, THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. Don’t believe me? The good people at TruTV, yes the former home of Nancy Grace and the current home of “Hardcore Pawn”, have provided 11 Reasons Why Weddings Are Dumb. Look at that list and try to tell me none of them are true, as a whole.

The problem with weddings is they lack creativity. As a guest, it always appears to me that somewhere, at a Costco, there is a whole “Wedding in a Box” section that bride and grooms can purchase. All you have to do is pick your colors. Look, I get it. This is your day. As the bride, you’ve been dreaming of this since you were a tiny little girl, putting on dresses and pretend marrying the boy next door. You’ve been to countless weddings yourself, sighing out loud, dreaming of the day when you got to have your own.

Well, now that day is coming! You want it to be a day that you remember forever. The rumor is, you barely remember the day anyway. So what are YOU going to do to fix that? How are YOU going to remember the day? (I put “you” in capital letters because the rumor out there also says this day is all about you.) Yes, that might be true. But, what are YOU going to do to make it memorable for US, as well?

You see, you invited us to share in this special day. I’m cynical, (pauses for EMT’s to arrive and resuscitate) but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to share in your joy and fun. It means that modern society has diluted a normally fun tradition into a mundane, boring, forgetful event for all parties involved. You don’t want your guests to walk away from a wedding with the only memory being the red Hawaiian Punch mustache on their kids’ face.

My whole point is, BE CREATIVE! There are plenty of websites, magazines, even TV shows that illustrate creativity. Sit down with each other and think about what is going to set your wedding apart, but make sure it’s something you both want and agree on, or at least are in the ballpark with the idea.

First and foremost, it is your day. Do what makes you happy. But for a change, maybe spend some time and think about your wedding from the point of view of the guest. What would we like to see, do, feel, experience that makes us a part of it? I can tell you, we are tired of DJ Forty3, that 43 year old business accountant/DJ from Akron, Ohio. For crying out loud, we know, he’s gonna hit us with “The Cupid Shuffle” and the “Chicken Dance” in the first 20 minutes of the evening. (NOTE: “The Cupid Shuffle” is the main reason I actually attend most weddings, well, that and bridesmaids.) Most importantly, though, creativity does not necessarily translate to expensive.

So, when your wedding day finally arrives, and you’ve put all of this thought and creativity into your day, I want you to think about me. That cynical friend that is sitting out amongst the crowd, staring at Aunt Mildred, shaking his head, wondering when the misery will be over. And then something will happen, something special, something that will have everyone, including this guy, finally saying, “There it is!”

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